Fear of Him
by Summers-Wind
Summary: DISCONTINUED. Angela Angie Jeramiah is afraid of her half brother, Craig
1. Chapter 1

**Hey people! I know I suck for not updating my other stories, but I always get my ideas at strange times: when I don't expect them. And, I really needed to get this idea off my mind. It should be a several- parter! Enjoy! Please R& R!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

"Is it possible to love someone and fear them at the same time?"

That's the question that Ms. Kwan asked us to respond to, but it pains me so much to think about it. I love my brother Craig so, so, much, sometimes I think that I love him more than my dad. 'Where did al of this pain come from?" is a question I often try to answer; but I fail miserably every time. So, now for this essay I will go back to where this all started.

When Craig first came to live with us dad started reading these psychology books on how to handle a child (or teen) who had been abused. He approached Craig gentally and with care, as he had always done to me when I was a small child. Things only lasted that way for a while, soon Craig was a full- blown teen who could be treated as you would treat an ordinary person.

Dad was okay for the most part then, and so was Craig. And, that's where the pain really started coming hard.

_Craig just started hitting and beating dad up:_

"_Craig stop! Stop- it Craig!"_

"_No, Joey!"_

"_Craig, we're going to get you help!"_

"_I don't need help, Joey!"_

"_Daddy! Craig! Stop it!" I cried, but my pleas weren't heard._

I ran over to the couch once Craig wouldn't stop hitting Craig; I dove into the couch, and curled my body into fatal position. I cried, sobbed in the sofa, and sang to myself.

_The door just opened, and I think that I heard Ashley's voice "Craig stop- it!"_

"_Ashley! Oh my gosh, Ashley you're here!"_

"_Craig, no stop- it!"_

"_Ashley!"_

"_No Craig, we're going to get you help, okay!"_

Although I didn't know it then, that's when I first began to fear my father and Craig. Nd also try to hold onto Craig even more…


	2. Chapter 2

**A/ N: Thanks KristenH, I kind of used idea, it just doesn't start where chapter two left off, but the flashback does. :D Thanks SexyGirl017 and Princesspaperclip, and KristenH for reviewing! Thanks for your patience! Enjoy! Oh, and I might not update any of my stories very soon, my computer isn't working right.  Please R& R!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything except Kaycie, Laci, and Auburn, and the poem. It's called "I Hate December".**

I hate December. I always have, I always will. People call me a pessimist, I'm not really, it's always just been a really, really bad month for me. It's December now, and Kaycie Michaelchuck won't shut up about me wearing "extra black this month", "being such a Goth girl", or somewhere along those lines.

Ms. Kwan said that this assignment should be worked on over the course of the year, and while I'm on the topic, everything bad seemed to happen when Craig was around…

My best friend Laci Nash (younger sister of Ellie Nash, she lived with her grandparents most of her life) or the "weird punk kid" said that I should try and express my emotions through writing or music.

Incase you haven't noticed, I'm not much of a poet or a musician. That's more of Craig's thing. I mean, I'm glad that it works for him, but seriously, do you think that I, Angie Jeremiah, would do such a thing?

I guess I could try.

**I hate December**

**When mommy died**

**I hate December**

**When daddy cried**

**I hate December**

**When auntie got mad**

**I hate December**

**When brother got bad**

It's all- true, I guess. Mom died in December when I was two, Dad used to cry a lot because of it, Auntie Caitlin and Dad got into that huge fight one Christmas, and that's when Craig had one of his first Bi- Polar attacks. He didn't really get "bad"; it just rhymed better than any other word that I could think of.

**I hate December**

**When I was late for school**

**I hate December**

**When the freaks are most cruel**

**I hate December**

**When people are self- obsessed**

**I hate December**

**When people compare who's presents are best**

I was late for school a lot in December. There was always some sort of problem. Some "Craig related" problem. Whether it was his abuse, or mental state; nothing ever went right. And the make it worse Kaycie and her side- kick Auburn Aden (cousin of Hazel Aden) would always say, "Jeremiah obviously didn't get her brothers looks or skills! That must suck! Poor her!" Then, they laugh, and laugh, and their laughter wouldn't fade from my ears. And ever once it a while it will return for a last chant.

Then Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, or whatever holidays people celebrate would pass, and the new year would come about, and everybody would be all giddy about their holiday's, talking about that new necklace that they got, and how awful it was with their grandparents. Whiners. I've always spent my breaks at funerals, cemeteries (not that I mind visiting Mom, Nana, and Papa's graves), or in hospitals with Craig, or in airports with Craig. Funny how everything always come back to Craig. Mr. Craig Manning.

**I hate December**

**When children starve**

**I hate December**

**When roast beefs are carved**

**I hate December**

**When they always go out**

**I hate December** **When they hit and shout**

Every Christmas when Caitlin was here, we'd watch videos or starving children dying from something, somewhere. I'd get lectures on how lucky I was, and then we'd have a meal. A nice one, but nothing too fancy. Dad would go along with what Caitlin, and told me do donate some of my Christmas money (at least 10) of what I got to the poor. Craig has walked out on us a lot during December, but out of all of the times, that one-year sticks out in my memory most.

"_Craig, we're going to get you help, okay" Ashley said almost crying._

"_Ashley! Ashley! I'm sorry Ashley!" Craig tried to apologize._

"_Craig, we're going to get to help. Craig, you need help," she tell him calmly, as Craig slowly calmed down. He walked over to the wall, as slid down against it. Craig began to sob._

_I wanted so badly to move myself from my "safe zone" on the couch, but couldn't bring myself too. I would have gone to Caitlin, but she was getting Joey an ice pack, and a rag. I would have gone to Craig, but quite frankly, I was afraid of him. So, I went to the only person, who I knew would have hugged me, back- Ashley Kerwin._

_Ashley wrapped her arms around me, and rubbed my back softly. She hummed me a song, and rapidity said, "It'll be alright Angie, just wait…" And I did._

_About a minute later the doorbell rang- Caitlin got it. "Hello," she said to the man in a police uniform at the door._

"_Yes, I received a call about violence," the man said very orderly._

"_Yes sir," Caitlin said. "My err… step- son was having some issues, but he seems to have calmed down now."_

"_I see ma'am. Was that all?"_

"_Yes,"_

"_Then I'll be off," the man said. And with that the man turned around, and marched out the door. Caitlin shut it behind the man, and turned around._

"_I'll get Craig's things," she told my dad- obviously in pain._

"_Ashie?" I asked. I adopted that nickname foe her when I was like 4- she had just gone Goth, and I had noted the very… well ashy colored black clothes, and make- up that she had worn._

"_It'll be alright Angie," she said tenderly, as Caitlin appeared back downstairs._

"_Come on," Caitlin softly spoke, helping Joey up off the couch. Ashley let go of me, and went to get Craig._

"_Come on Craig," she said in a very mother- like tone. The same tone that Joey use to use on me, and when Craig first came to live with us. "Let's get to the hospital,"_

That was five years ago, almost to this very day…

**I hate December**

**When lists are five feet long**

**I hate December**

**When carolers sing a song**

**I hate December**

**When the dates are near**

**I hate December**

**When there's sugar- coated fear**

**I hate December**

**When my dreams run away**

**I hate December**

**When the lights don't show the way**

From what I hear Craig's "real father" would have bought Craig anything Craig wanted, regardless of the price. Lists could have been any length Craig wanted, because his father would have beaten him, and then bought him everything on the list. Craig always got his muse when he was sad, and like me, or should I say, like him, I get my muse when I'm sad, or really thinking about something.

You can tell around our house when the "sad season" is arriving. I always get sad, Joey always reads his old psychology books, Caitlin always calls, and Craig plays his guitar 24/ 7. Early December when I was two, I had decided that I had wanted to be a mommy, middle December when I was two my mom died, late December when I was two I decided that I would never want to be a mom, because I didn't want to leave my kids like my mom had done.

But, she didn't really leave us, well she did, but not because she had wanted to. She was killed, because God had wanted her home again. Or at least that's what Daddy, Caitlin, Craig, and Ashley said. One year, after Craig got a car, him, Ellie, and Manny took me on a ride down Candy Cane Lane. But, the lights didn't take me to Mom's grave, where Craig said we were going. He avoided it purposely, I know.

**I hate December**

**When to many people feel**

**I hate December**

**When I said Santa wasn't real**

**I hate December**

**When the pain burns like smoky fire ember**

**I hate December**

**When again each year I'm forced to remember**

Every year, I have to feel in December more than any other month. Every year Kaycie and Auburn have to hate me more during December. Every year Joey, Caitlin, Craig, Ashley, Manny, and now Ellie have to suffer through these months. I blame myself sometimes. I blame Dad sometimes. I blame my deceased Mother sometimes. But, most of all I blame my beloved brother Craig. Why Craig? Why are you the way you are?


	3. Chapter 3

I hate Craig. I hate him more than anything. He is the reason that Daddy cried so much. I hate it that Dad let him go to Vancouver, because he _still_ gets to chase his dreams, even after he "Stirred up drama in the Jeremiah household" as Laci once put it.

I hate Craig, because him and Dad spent so much time trying to talk, that I was sometimes forgotten. I was a distant memory of a dream, a girl hiding in a corner, not wanting to be in the middle of Craig's outbursts. And I didn't want to be the cause of Dad crying even _more_.

I like it when Auntie Caitlyn comes to visit, because I know that Dad and Craig will both be on their best behavior, and won't put on a big show about Craig. There are only a few people who can begin to understand the "Craig drama" as Laci puts it. And they are Laci (she Dad cry once), Auntie Caitlyn (well, she is like my second mother), and Mr. Moo Moo** (A/ N: I think that that was the name of Angie's stuffed animal)** (my old stuffed animal).

Not many people really understand why I kept Mr. Moo Moo, even after all of these years. But they just don't understand that Mr. Moo Moo has seen the things that I have seen, yet I just can't seem to put into words. Mr. Moo Moo understands everything so perfectly, so I don't have to bother to explain. Or seem stupid to try to explain.

Only Laci understands why Mr. Moo Moo is so "sacred" to me. You see, Laci got Mr. Oink Oink at the same time, at the same carnival as me. It was when Ellie and Craig were both on babysitting duty for Laci and I.

I haven't seen Craig _forever_. Not since he left for Vancouver. And to tell you the truth, it's very lonely without him. The milk jug lasts us a whole week, instead of just a day or two. So, because of it's age, it always tastes sour; like the feeling I get inside when I think about what Craig would be doing at this very moment…

I hate Craig, because he gets to have the time of his life in Vancouver, while I'm stuck here, thousands of miles from him, having to write this stupid paper for Ms. Kwan's class.

I hate Craig, because he once was my hero. Craig was the one person whom I always looked up to, and often emulated. I also knew that he could teach me cool things. Like how stand up to the boys with cooties on the playground, by not believing in cooties.

I hate Craig, because I know that he made Dad cry; yet Dad still forgives him. I hate that love that Dad has for Craig, because I am envious of how easily Dad can love Craig.

I am envious, because I sometimes wish that I knew Craig like Dad does. I am envious, because I know that Dad has the guts to stand up to the sometimes very frightening Craig.

I hate Craig, because I wasn't given the choice to be related to him, yet he still took time when I was younger to play with me, even though I probably took up a lot of my Dad's time.

And I sometimes wonder what things will look like in the future with Craig. Will my relationship with Craig ever be as idealistic as Kaycie and Paige Michaelchuck is? Will we actually talk to each other in ten years?

I'm left to question all of these things, but even if I can't answer them, I can always imagine what I would like the answers to be…

**A/ N: I know that this chapter was kind of drabble- y, and I'm not really sure where in the timeline it goes, but something just made me write it. Anyhow, thank you KristenH for reviewing! I hope that you all enjoyed this chapter! Any feedback would be appreciated. :-)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything that you recognize!**


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